To Do Or Not To Do...and related questions

Looking at the number and frequency of my posts, you'd think that mothers don't have thoughts all that often. While that may be true to the extent that we've got so much going on in our heads that we lose some of our thoughts in the everyday shuffle before we can get a firm enough grasp on them, the truth of it lies in a constant tug of war going on in our heads. Take now for instance. I had already read a couple of other people's blog entries, feeling like I'd taken advantage of some of the "me time" that comes along when baby falls asleep for these longer stretches at night.

But then worry set in--what's the point of her sleeping longer when I just waste it all away on-line all the time?!? I should be sleeping when she does, that's what all the books, chat sites, parent websites tell me. Besides, after a long day of almost constant baby attention and living in between the small increments of time that motherhood chops life into, I feel pretty brain dead and doubt my ability to write anything halfway coherent, much less inspired.

So I hurriedly logged off, brushed my teeth and washed my face to get ready for bed. But then as I was brushing my teeth I started thinking about how unused this blogsite has been. The hum of the automatic toothbrush put me in a meditative trance and I began to see why; these precious moments in between feedings are always forcing me to make a tough choice between guarding my time to regroup or using it to do things in a hazy, half-conscious state. Do I invest in sleep, and possibly more clarity and coherence? Or should I jump into communication with the outside world, even if it might mean risking losing my thoughts mid-sentence, or a point I knew I wanted to make but can no longer put my finger on...

Oh well, the baby will need to be fed in just a few hours. Maybe I can get through an entire dream tonight before that happens. If not, it'll just be another hazy day.